5 Powerful Ways To Be More Assertive.

Welcome to my very first Blog post.
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Probably best if I share with you what I discovered about assertiveness and what being assertive means, before sharing 5 powerful ways to be more assertive.

Seriously I thought I was one of the most assertive people I know….I was wrong. For the last 12 months I have been doing a lot of work around myself, without sounding too cliché, I have been on one heck of a journey into who I AM. So back to being assertive, anyone that knows me will tell you that I have no problems speaking in a group, I run workshops, I am definitely not the shy type, so I assumed that I was pretty assertive. I was SO far from the real truth that when I realised I wasn't being assertive I had a three day meltdown. I wasn't assertive in my behaviour, hardly at all …. I was in fact aggressive and at times when I wasn't being aggressive I was passive or disowning.

So what does being assertive actually mean?

While at times being assertive may be described as having a confident or having a forceful personality (exactly why I thought I was assertive). That being assertive means getting what you want and if you are assertive, then you are assertive in every situation.  However after much research, two semesters of studying my master of counselling and some therapy I learned that being assertive actually means being able to openly communicate or express your feelings, thoughts, beliefs and opinions, without violating the rights of others. Being assertive in your life means considering both your needs and those of others. Being assertive in most areas of your life doesn't necessarily mean you are assertive in all situations.
We are all actually born with assertive behaviour, yet over time we somehow learn unassertive behaviour. When we are babies we are able to assert ourselves to get what we want or need. Unassertive behaviour, being passive or aggressive, is a result of low self-esteem and self-worth. Gradually over time we are impacted by conditioning, our environment, patterns of communication learnt, traumatic events or limiting beliefs formed. We learn to adapt and respond to our environments, sometimes learning to suppress or forego our own needs and wants to please or put others needs before our own for the benefit of others.

So here are ‘5 powerful ways to be more assertive’

1. Add “I” statements to your daily speak (communication). Some example of “I” statements  are                   “I like…”      “I don’t like…”       “I want ….”
2. By taking ownership or personal responsibility in our communication through the use of “I” statements, can be quite empowering.​ Bring AWARENESS to your daily life and recognise where your behaviour is assertive, passive or aggressive. Check in on your tone, body language and any other non-verbal cues you may be communicating. You can’t change something you aren’t aware of. 
3. Bring a little SELF-DISCLOSURE into your day by saying how you really feel. Let others know what is going on for you, it helps you express and communicate how you feel and lets the other person know where you are at….WIN-WIN really. If you feel anxious, simply say “I feel anxious”. When I first started out being assertive and trying to speak my truth, I was working at a busy petrol station, sometimes I would serve over 600 customers during my shift. I had ‘I feel’ written on the back of my hand in black marker and every time a customer asked me ‘How are you?’, it reminded me to answer speaking my truth with “I feel….”. Or if you really feel like a challenge,  deliver constructive criticism without the side serve of blame, do it assertively instead. e.g. “I feel irritated when you interrupt me”
4. CONNECT with your body. Our bodies are amazing things and lucky for us they never lie, unlike our sneaky mind/ego. Our bodies provide us with wonderful bio-feedback or sensations that actually let us be aware of exactly what is going on. So when we are being aggressive we often experience anger, this is reflected in our bodies through tension in various areas (body sensations: tightening in the shoulders or jaw). When we are feeling passive we often experience anxiety (tension in the chest area, sick feeling, heart palpations). Sometimes when we feel passive we can also experience numbness, where we block any body sensations we may be experiencing.
5. BREATHE. We all breathe, we need to in order to survive, what I am talking about is really breathing consciously. Conscious breathing allows our minds to quieten and slow down (there are so many different forms, styles, techniques to breathe consciously). By quietening our minds we are able to become more present and are able to connect more readily with body sensations.

Choosing to be more assertive, allows you to express yourself honestly and openly. As you become assertive the more your self-worth and self-esteem increases. You become more likely to respond rather than react and be overly protective. By being more assertive you are able to speak your truth and communicate more authentically… essentially being more of who YOU really are.